Thursday, February 17, 2011

Career Call Centers

After filling out an online application for schools, I've been bombarded by a call center every 15 minutes by someone who is extremely excited to help me find the right college.  I've become quite the expert on these exchanges.  I know what questions they're about to ask before they can finish.  And I've come to realize that 90% of them are following a script.  That's not unusual.  Every body from AT&T to Comcast to basically any major corp has these.  We've all worked somewhere that had us reading from a script when answering the phone.  It is the way companies can guarantee your experience is a positive and informative one(whether their employee is an idiot or not).

I've also noticed that following a script can make a perfectly intelligent person sound like an idiot.  The following conversation is as best as I can remember it:

Intelligent Woman:  Hello sir, you contacted our website requesting information on various college programs and I was returning your...(bla bla bla bla, nothing any of us haven't heard a million times before, keep your arms and elbows in... etc etc)

Me:  That's right, mam.

Intelligent Woman:  Is this number a good number that I can get in touch with you?

Me:  Ummm.... yes.

Intelligent Woman:  Can I verify that number?

Me:  ...Sure... if you need to.  ...?

Intelligent Woman:  555, 555, 5555

Me:  That's right, mam.

Intelligent Woman:  I see here you've entered a mailing address, can we verify that?

Me:  Sure.  Go for it.

Intelligent Woman:  (My address)

Me:  That's right. 

Intelligent Woman:  (In the next 5 minutes, she finds the longest possible way to tell me exactly what her company does even though I've already been to their website and filled out their many, many forms which include... you guessed it, my address and phone #.  She then proceeds to read how excited she is to help me.  Her tone does not reflect her enthusiasm).  ....do you have a few minutes to answer some of my questions?

Me:  Well, actually I-

Intelligent Woman:  May I ask you what areas you are interested in pursuing education in?

Me:  Well, I was looking for anything to do with CAD, computer drafting, etc....

Intelligent Woman:  Computers!  OK.  Let me type that in.  Are you interested in taking classes online?

Me:  Sure.

Intelligent Woman:  Do you have a computer?

Me:  Yes.  I used it to visit your website.

Intelligent Woman:  Do you have access to the Internet?

Me:  ...yes...I also used that to--

Intelligent Woman:  OK.  Let's see what we have here.... ..... ..... may I verify your email?

Me:  (sigh)Sure, it's p-o-l-

Intelligent Woman:  I have it here.  Is (my email address) correct?

Me:  Yes, that's right.

Intelligent Woman:  I'll try to match you up with three colleges that best suit your needs, and then they'll contact you.  The first one is BLANK college.  They have the following programs available:  Computer Science. Computer Programming. Networking, Computer Security. Computer Animation. Computer Engineering.  Would you like to inquire about any of these programs?

Me:  ...no.  No, actually none of those have anything to do with CAD.  It stands for Computer Aided--

Intelligent Woman:  So do you think the Computer Animation program is something you'd like more information on?

Me:  --Drafting.  No, What?  No.  It's not computer animation.  It's more in the line of Architecture, or Drafting, or maybe Civil Engineering...

Intelligent Woman:  ...well do you think it might be something you'd be interested in?

Slightly Annoyed Me:  ....................NO.  You see I'm trying to get further education in something I already know a little about.  I've been trying to locate a ....

Intelligent Woman:  I understand, sir.  Lets try again.  The next school we have is BLANK school.  It's an online university.  It says here they have the following programs available.: Computer Science. Computer Programming. Networking. Computer Security. Computer Animation. Computer Engineering. Would you like to inquire about any of these programs?

Annoyed Me:  No... No, I don't want any of those programs.  You see, it's not computers, or programming that I'm interested in.  It's...

Less Intelligent Woman:  I understand, let's move on.  I see here that there is an Arts School close by that offers Computer Animation, and 3D Modeling?

Annoyed Me:  I'm sorry.  Look...  Uh, not really--well I guess the 3D Modeling is closer to the mark but it's still not...

Less Intelligent Woman:  OK.  Let's get you some information on that.  May I have your address?

Angry Me:  What?! ...Uh... same as before...but it's still not really what I'm--

Less Intelligent Woman:  Great!  I'll just confirm that. >reads back my information<.  And is this a good number to contact you?

Angry Me:  Yes!  But--

Less Intelligent Woman:  And is that number 555-5---

Angry Me:  YES.  CORRECT!

Less Intelligent Woman:  It says here on your online application that you've completed High School?

Angry Me:  YES.

Less Intelligent Woman:  And you're not in the military?

Angry Me:  YES.  NO.  I'm not!

Less Intelligent Woman Whom I Want To Strangle:  And it says here that--

Angry Me Who Is About To Hang Up:  --Let me just stop you right there.  I'm actually looking at the application I filled out online[lie] and EVERYTHING is correct.  No need to confirm anything.  EVERYTHING is CORRECT.  E-V-E-R-Y--T-H-I-N-G.

Less Intelligent Woman Whom I Want To Strangle:  OK... Um...  .... ... >click< ... >click< ... >click, click<...

Me:  ....

Less Intelligent Woman:  ... >click, click< ...

Me:  ...hello?...

Less Intelligent Woman:  Hello, sir.  Just filling some information out.  Thank you for your patience.  ...>click< ...

Me:  ...

Less Intelligent Woman:  OK, sir.  They will have a college counselor call you in the next 48 hours at 555-555-5555.  They may send additional information to your residence at (my address) and will contact you at (my email).  They may have some additional questions for you regarding your online application and may need to confirm some of your contact information.  Now let's get a few more colleges on the list.  This next college has the following programs.  Computer Science, Computer Security, Computer--

Me:  >hanging up<


And there you have it.  A 20 minute conversation in which I managed to get a college counselor to call me from a School I have no interest in going to for a program I don't want to take.